Tag Archives: clothes

Femme du monde

I spoke in a paranoid manner, like someone dealing coke on a playground.

“She always wears the same pants–high-waisted, the color of mustard,” I explained.

K furrowed his forehead. “So what?”

He didn’t get it. She and I had been out six times, and while she was attractive, her sartorial choices revolved around that high-waisted, mustard-colored pair of pants.

K continued after an uncomfortable pause: “When are you seeing her next?” 

“Tonight. She’s coming over for dinner.”


……….


I made her pasta and got her drunk. We groped at each other–unhooking, unzipping.

I reached for the button on her pants.

“Wait,” she gasped, clutching my hand, “we should stop.”


……….


“I’m ready” read the email. Twenty years had passed. But I knew what it meant. 

She still lived at the same place. She seemed too old–a disease, she would explain later in the bedroom. She still had on the same pants. They were faded and badly worn in the knees.

“Fuck me,” she hissed. I grabbed her by the waist and yanked her pants to the ground. Her torso toppled from her hips with a thud. “Thank you,” she said before dying.

“For what,” I wondered. I hadn’t fucked her yet.




Traces of Radical Self-Reflexive Potential

“Seeking new husband. Must meet the following criteria:…”

K wanted to apply for the position. But he knew he wouldn’t make the cut. While he had loved her for years, he was not as robust or as rich as the new man he needed to be.

One morning K, her neighbor and life-long “friend,” watched as a line of men began materializing in front of her house. Soon the line of men stretched the length of the street.

At 2 pm, she opened her front door. For the next 10 hours, men entered the house, men left the house. By 1 AM the line had dwindled. Having nothing to lose, K got in line—the last candidate.

“K, what are you doing? You know you can’t apply. Plus, [Redacted] wore J Crew exclusively.”

K frowned. He marched into the bedroom and examined the deceased’s wardrobe.

“The new one has to wear J Crew too.” She was behind him.

“Was that in your ad?”

“Toward the bottom.”

“ I hate J Crew.”

“I know.”

K put his hand to her cheek and she pressed back into it. Then he left, but not before stealing a pair of the deceased’s J Crew socks—which he kinda liked.


The Coming Slaughter

I hate discount retailers. But I go begrudgingly to the discount retailer because I do things for the pretty girl I love who always loves a bargain.

The discount retailer offers nothing of value for anybody. The girl I love marches off to the women’s things and I find myself in the men’s section, dodging lower-class people as they clamor for cheap stuff. Two men argue over a leather jacket.

I make my way to the men’s shoes. I fantasize about seeing the girl I love naked as my eyes gloss over countless pairs of misfit footwear that seem like death row inmates awaiting imminent execution.

But I spot, accidentally, in an unmarked shoebox, a single Ferragamo loafer that, presumably, even I can afford. My X-rated fantasy vanishes and I excitedly snatch up the loafer. I search for its mate. I search everywhere. I ask an unhelpful sales associate to find its mate. He rolls his eyes: “Sorry, I guess it’s lost.”

I attack the sales associate. The police arrive and I’m arrested. I don’t know where she is–the girl I love.

I’m issued prison garb–shirt, pants, loafers. The shirt and pants are awful, but the loafers aren’t so bad.