Tag Archives: dating

No Time For Small Private Pleasures

I refused to finish the bottle of sake she brought over.

I didn’t like her much, and neither did she care for me. We were bored, worn out by too much solitude. So I cooked her dinner, touched her elbow. She left before dark and before I could touch her in better places.

“Keep the sake,” she said with false candor.

“Gladly,” I replied, flatly.

Alone in my apartment, I snatched up the glimmering green bottle of alcohol, held it close. My distorted reflection mocked my equally distorted existence.

Then, following protocol, I wrote her name on the bottle before putting it in the refrigerator with the other unfinished bottles of refrigerated alcohol other women had brought over and left behind. Countless kinds of cheap white wine, expensive vermouth, decently sophisticated beer, pretentious red wine. Now fancy sake.

I examined each bottle, touched carefully and purposefully each bottle, as though handling the delicate women whose feminine names adorned each bottle.

Satisfied that my record of romantic failures was still in tact, and indeed growing, I closed the refrigerator and spent the night – just like every night – curled up next to it, lulled to sleep by its gentle and accusatory hum.

 


Femme du monde

I spoke in a paranoid manner, like someone dealing coke on a playground.

“She always wears the same pants–high-waisted, the color of mustard,” I explained.

K furrowed his forehead. “So what?”

He didn’t get it. She and I had been out six times, and while she was attractive, her sartorial choices revolved around that high-waisted, mustard-colored pair of pants.

K continued after an uncomfortable pause: “When are you seeing her next?” 

“Tonight. She’s coming over for dinner.”


……….


I made her pasta and got her drunk. We groped at each other–unhooking, unzipping.

I reached for the button on her pants.

“Wait,” she gasped, clutching my hand, “we should stop.”


……….


“I’m ready” read the email. Twenty years had passed. But I knew what it meant. 

She still lived at the same place. She seemed too old–a disease, she would explain later in the bedroom. She still had on the same pants. They were faded and badly worn in the knees.

“Fuck me,” she hissed. I grabbed her by the waist and yanked her pants to the ground. Her torso toppled from her hips with a thud. “Thank you,” she said before dying.

“For what,” I wondered. I hadn’t fucked her yet.




The Obvious Yet Pertinent Question

The woman, whose heavy foreign eyes and striking hair/eye composition give her the air of a sleepy Scarlett Johansson or a strung out Courtney Love, will kill him.

Here is how:

She will go home with him.

He will tear her gown from her body. Then he will realize that she has wooden legs.

He will not know how to proceed but he will notice that she has grown uncomfortable. He will know immediately that she has become self-conscious.

He will think back to their “dates” and her countless long dresses.

He will recall the way she hobbles about.

Briefly, he will get mad at her (“You could have told me!”).

Then he will compose himself and gaze into her eyes, uttering romantic things. They will have sex. She will stay over but vanish by dawn.

In the morning he will find a splinter in his hand. Rubbing it, he will think fondly of her until his hand becomes infected.

As the infection spreads, he will not wonder if she planned the whole thing; but he should. Then he will die.

But he will not mind. For he will have fallen in love with the woman and her wooden legs.