Monthly Archives: September 2016

Exercises in Neo-Mercantilism

“Would anyone like a vanilla latte,” said the woman to a mass of early-evening cafe customers who were only partially listening. “They made two by mistake.”

“I’ll take it.” I met her gaze.

She smiled. “Have a nice day.” She handed me a white paper cup, brushing my fingers as she did so. Then she walked off, her towering boyfriend matching her stride.

I hate vanilla lattes. But having just purchased a new luxury car, my finances weighed heavily on my mind.

I took a seat in a dark corner of the cafe and pressed the paper cup to my lips. Her name  was written on the side of the cup. In that instant, I felt an intimate, indeed too intimate, connection to this generous stranger.

I sat for hours with my vanilla latte, refused to drink it. Even after the last customers trickled out the door, I remained in my wooden chair cradling my latte like an injured animal and staring at the empty space across my table.

“Excuse me.”

Her languid voice roused me. I smiled.

“I’m glad you’re still here.”

I smiled again. “I’m glad you came back.”

She settled into the vacant chair across from me.

 


Techniques for Intervening

“Anything at any price,” read the inside of the card, which featured a cat sleeping in a martini glass.

The attending package – displaying no return address – contained a cylindrical fish tank, complex instructions, and laudatory remarks:

Congratulations! Your new jellyfish will arrive tomorrow. Make sure your tank is calibrated to the appropriate temperature. Jellyfish are temperamental creatures, so handle your new friend with care!

I assembled the tank, placed it on my dining room table. I filled it with water and spent my evening hours envisioning various scenarios occurring within its narrow walls. In my mind, I saw her treading water, face creased with deceit, anger, and hatred. I saw her puff her cheeks up before descending toward the bottom of the tank for no reason in particular. I saw her begin to convulse and spasm, unable to ascend to the surface. I saw myself jump into the tank to retrieve her from the bottom.

The creature arrived the next day. It was dead already. I placed it in the tank and watched its tentacles gently keep it afloat. Then, thinking I could revive it, I jumped into the tank and pressed my lips to the top of its hood.


Between Bureaucracy and the King

“My father left us to build corn mazes in Japan,” the woman said, letting her knobby knees brush against my torn denim. Lost, as I was, in the smoothness of her legs, I was only half listening to her story, which I figured she had made up anyway.

“The Japanese do like corn,” I finally offered, willing my eyes toward her face. “They put it on everything. Pizza, salad, whatever.”

She smiled, looked away, unamused by my joke.

“I mean,” I struggled to ward off the encroaching silence, “who doesn’t like corn?” I felt like a bad stand-up comedian.

“Thanks for the drink,” she said, sliding her glass toward me. “Let’s do this again.”

She didn’t mean it.

I drove to the store and bought all 160 cans of corn that were in stock.

“Looks like someone really likes corn,” cooed the cashier with a sly grin. I smiled and invited her over.

“After my shift. It’ll be late. I hope that’s okay.”

She knocked on my door at 11 pm and the two of us worked till morning building an impressive, winding maze out of my cans of corn.

“I have to go,” she said, suddenly aware.

“Good luck,” I replied.