Tag Archives: food

The Supposedly Innocent Gaze

“You have the most charming way of eating,” I cooed on my way past her table. “I don’t mean for that to sound creepy or anything,” I stopped to clarify. “You just caught my eye and I couldn’t look away until you were done with your spaghetti.”

 

She smiled and dabbed the corners of her mouth with her napkin: “Thank you.”

 

She said nothing further so I exited the café.

 

That night I couldn’t sleep. I stared at the ceiling and watched her eat her plate of spaghetti. “Is she as dainty when she eats a medium rare hamburger,” I wondered, “or oysters on the half shell?” I closed my eyes and dreamed of the woman.

 

Every night thereafter she infiltrated my dreams, always seated at a table with a white tablecloth and always eating.

 

After a week, I grew concerned that she was growing fat.

 

I returned to the café. “Has the woman who eats spaghetti in a womanly way been in recently,” I asked the maître d.

 

“You’re the eighteenth man to ask of her today,” he scoffed before gesturing to the dining room, which was occupied by single men all waiting for the woman who ate spaghetti.

 


Communal Spaces

K had heard it before, from other women less attractive than the one whose tongue was slowly constricting his neck:

“I just love your eyes. They’re so dark–I can’t even see your pupils.”

She flexed her tongue and K’s eyes bulged a little further from his face. She brought her face–eyes green, I think, but maybe they were blue–to meet his. “Amazing. Your eyes are just these black puddles.” She brought a well-manicured fingernail to his face. Then she tapped it on his left eye, creating mild undulations.

He had heard that last line before, too. As K lost consciousness he envisioned all of the women who got lost in his eyes. He thought of the woman who climbed in his left eye and drowned in the darkness. Her name was in the paper for a while and on TV. He thought of the woman who ran screaming from his apartment–underwear balled up in her fist–because she was convinced K’s eyes betrayed a darkness of a different sort.

From the depths of asphyxiation, he heard her jaw unhinge. Then he heard him being swallowed hole. “I guess I’m finally inside her,” K muttered as her digestive system pulled him down.


While the Men Lounge Around

“That’s her,” I gestured with my chin toward a woman sitting at the end of the bar. I watched her order a martini. If she noticed me, her neighbor, she pretended otherwise.

I turned back toward K.  “She brings me a cucumber every so often–she has ever since I moved in.  Winter, spring, summer–whatever. And never anything else. And always just one cucumber. She leaves them in front of my door with a note attached: FOR YOUR HEALTH.”

I could tell by the way K was eyeing her that he was interested. “Don’t,” I said. “Every man she gets involved with goes missing.”

K scoffed.

“That’s the gossip, anyway,” I clarified.

K waved away my warning and marched over to her. K was good with women. She smiled at him. I finished my drink and left. I never saw him again.

……….

A few months later an article appeared in the newspaper. K’s body had been found in a shallow grave along with the remains of ten other men. Their penises had all been severed.

What a shame, I thought, still pissed at K for ignoring my advice, as I bit into my freshly delivered cucumber.


The Seat of Consciousness

“You’re an idiot.” Sometimes she wakes up with FUCK YOU emblazoned across her forehead. I’m not sure why. Perhaps in my sleep I set her car on fire. Accusations of stupidity (etc.) fly from her mouth with ease. Such was the case yesterday. We haven’t spoken sense.

This morning I ate a young man’s brain. He came to my office, in the basement of X University where I am a professor of Y. “Professor,” he inquired through the wooden door, “are you in?” I beckoned him inside. An  extremely intelligent young man who is probably also wealthy (X University caters to smart and wealthy students and, as any reasonably smart person will tell you, the two traits are often mutually exclusive), he was fidgety like an old man but dressed like a young hip person.

“Could I ask you about our next assignment?” The young man spoke in a quivering voice. I nodded. He sat down. Then I struck him hard across the face. He went limp almost instantly and I set to eating his brain.

What are you doing, I asked myself in a moment of hesitation.

Becoming smart, I replied, as I took another bite of his brain.

 


a L’orange

“She was my heroin,” I said gazing into the pond. “I was addicted,” I continued the metaphor, as I continued gazing into the pond. A few ducks nodded in tandem. Most swam away, bored, no doubt, with the same story told by every guy who sits alone on a bench by a pond.

One duck spoke. “Tell me more,” it said, and by the by, we got to know each other. I invited the duck over for dinner. It accepted my invitation, probably out of sympathy.

……

I told K about my unexpected  friendship. “What should I serve for dinner,” I asked him.

“Duck,” K replied feigning seriousness. We  laughed in that way you laugh about things like cannibalism.

I served pasta instead. The duck was a gracious guest. We ate mostly in silence, each unsure how to proceed. “You know,” the duck finally said, “I thought you invited me over so you could eat me.”

We laughed in the way K and I laughed earlier. “I’m a vegetarian,” I explained. Then I attacked and killed it.

……

I called her for the first time in a long time. “I made you duck,” I whispered to the voice on the other end.