Tag Archives: wood

The Abyss of Freedom

Something possessed him to enroll in a woodworking class at the community college. Which was fine.

Ever since she introduced him to the male members of her family – all tall, rich, and unfaithful to their wives and girlfriends – he sought to “up his man game.” She rolled her eyes whenever he said this and was secretly sad that he felt the need to be different. Nevertheless, every Wednesday for the past eight weeks he came home late. Which was fine. He was making her a clock.

When he climbed in bed – after showering, naturally – he dutifully whispered in her ear his progress. “It’s done,” he said softly. “It’s on the table.”

She jumped up, not bothering to put a stitch of clothing on (this did not bother him), and dashed to the dining room. It was an awful thing – uneven and splintery.

“K,” she said like a homeroom teacher, “it’s not even telling the right time.”

“I know,” he replied proudly. “It’s set to when we first kissed.”

She looked at him incredulously.

He explained. “Your eyes were closed and I looked at my watch. I wanted to remember.”

She began to cry, and he glanced down at his watch.


The Obvious Yet Pertinent Question

The woman, whose heavy foreign eyes and striking hair/eye composition give her the air of a sleepy Scarlett Johansson or a strung out Courtney Love, will kill him.

Here is how:

She will go home with him.

He will tear her gown from her body. Then he will realize that she has wooden legs.

He will not know how to proceed but he will notice that she has grown uncomfortable. He will know immediately that she has become self-conscious.

He will think back to their “dates” and her countless long dresses.

He will recall the way she hobbles about.

Briefly, he will get mad at her (“You could have told me!”).

Then he will compose himself and gaze into her eyes, uttering romantic things. They will have sex. She will stay over but vanish by dawn.

In the morning he will find a splinter in his hand. Rubbing it, he will think fondly of her until his hand becomes infected.

As the infection spreads, he will not wonder if she planned the whole thing; but he should. Then he will die.

But he will not mind. For he will have fallen in love with the woman and her wooden legs.