Monthly Archives: December 2014

The Heart of Everyday Normality

“Merry Christmas,” said the white haired lady, thrusting a jar of honey in your hands. “It comes straight from her hive,” she continued, gesturing to another white haired  lady near the tree who, evidently, was an apiarist.

The lady’s words sounded oddly perverse, to you, and you laughed. Your girlfriend, along for the ride since it’s the holidays, gave you a proper slap on the shoulder. The white haired lady looked crookedly at the two of you before going elsewhere to, probably, deliver more honey “straight from [the] hive.”

You had no interest in this particular jar of honey, having plenty of honey at home and very little room in your suitcase. Nevertheless, the next day you gently wrapped the jar of honey in an old necktie and buried it in your carry-on. Maybe she’ll let me do something sexual with it: you pictured your girlfriend covered in bees.

You hear a few days later that the white haired apiarist is dying of cancer. You don’t really know her, but you’re still sad a little.

You decide to watch a documentary about bees. They’re dying in large numbers throughout the word, you learn. But they probably aren’t dying of cancer.


To Become One’s Own Cause

“Tell me a story or I’ll shoot her.” He raised his gun. The pretty brunette made indistinct noises from behind the bandana in her mouth.

So I did. I told him about this aspiring writer who decides to do something crazy because he only knows how to write about “what actually happens.” He decides to rob a bank but falls for the bank teller. While he intended to write a note demanding all the money, he ends up writing her a poem. They go on a date a few days later. They go back to his place for a nightcap. There’s a knock on the door. The aspiring writer opens it and finds a man holding a gun. The man barges in and, for reasons unknown, ties up the aspiring writer and the bank teller.

“What happens then?” The man with the gun asked.

I told him how, in the story, the man with the gun forces the aspiring writer tell him a story.

“And then?” The man with the gun asked.

I told him how the aspiring writer doesn’t know how to finish the story and how the brunette begins to fear, more than ever before, for her life.


Everyone is Susceptible to Conspiratorial Fear

“She likes you,” her little dog said. “But here’s what’s going to happen: sometime soon she’s going to offer to make you soup. She’ll ask your favorite kind. You’ll tell her. Then she’ll show up with groceries and wine and you guys will cook your favorite soup and drink nice wine. You’ll sit down to eat but you’ll die. I’ve seen her do it countless times.”

“Why? You said she likes me.”

“She does. But like will turn to love which will eventually turn to hate. Kind of makes sense if you think about it.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I like you too…. She’ll be back soon. So just act normal.”

I did.

“Know what,” her voice was sincere. “Let’s make dinner tomorrow. Why not soup?”

I glanced down at her little dog, which was avoiding eye contact.

“What’s your favorite kind?”

“Clam chowder,” I said confidently, knowing that clam chowder takes all day.

“Great. I’ll take the day off. Clam chowder takes all day, you know?”

I was somehow okay with such an extended death ritual. Her previous boyfriends probably hadn’t received such preferential treatment.

We smiled at each other. Her little dog probably rolled its eyes.


The Seat of Consciousness

“You’re an idiot.” Sometimes she wakes up with FUCK YOU emblazoned across her forehead. I’m not sure why. Perhaps in my sleep I set her car on fire. Accusations of stupidity (etc.) fly from her mouth with ease. Such was the case yesterday. We haven’t spoken sense.

This morning I ate a young man’s brain. He came to my office, in the basement of X University where I am a professor of Y. “Professor,” he inquired through the wooden door, “are you in?” I beckoned him inside. An  extremely intelligent young man who is probably also wealthy (X University caters to smart and wealthy students and, as any reasonably smart person will tell you, the two traits are often mutually exclusive), he was fidgety like an old man but dressed like a young hip person.

“Could I ask you about our next assignment?” The young man spoke in a quivering voice. I nodded. He sat down. Then I struck him hard across the face. He went limp almost instantly and I set to eating his brain.

What are you doing, I asked myself in a moment of hesitation.

Becoming smart, I replied, as I took another bite of his brain.