Tag Archives: drinking

The Merits of My Defects

By degrees, the night swallowed us, leaving her luxury SUV to grope its way to civilization. Her relatives didn’t live far, but in the rural midwest it doesn’t take much to transport you to the edge of the world.

“I need a drink,” I said, taking her hand. “Let’s never do that again. Until next year of course.” I glanced at her profile.

She was crying inaudibly, eyes focused on the crisp white beams of light projecting from the front of her Volvo.

“You need a drink, too,” I said gently.

When the city emerged later,  we were dismayed to find nothing but empty streets and solemn lampposts.

Still we drove, desperate for an alcoholic reprieve from our holiday traumas. We settled on a kitschy hotel on the border of the bad part of town. In the bar was a handful of middle-class refugees like us. The bartender, the Death Star tattooed on his forearm, looked inexplicably tragic in his vest and bowtie.

I ordered our drinks and followed her to the end of the bar. Less than ten minutes later I ordered two more drinks. This was a blatant attempt at escape. She put her head on my shoulder.

 


A Malfunction of Evolution

I didn’t ask–you don’t ask women about their bodies. But she obviously felt like explaining. She put her martini down.

“I adopted this bird–a macaw. Birds are really affectionate, and she loved to cuddle. But whenever I tried to set her down she’d get upset and latch on. I had to take her back.”

The blackish rings looked like railroad tracks traveling from wrist to shoulder. They were too symmetrical and evenly spaced to be the work of an animal. But her story seemed reasonable.

We went to her apartment. I saw an ugly green birdcage on the floor.
“I’m going to paint it black,” she said proudly. “Then I’ll keep my victims in it.”

I smiled.

Another martini. Her body invited me in. I turned it down. She seemed feeble, breakable, all of a sudden. She said she “like[s] it rough.” But women always say that, especially when you don’t really know them.

I went home.

At 3AM someone knocked on my door. I hoped it was her (men always hope for this). It was a gray bird. Slightly taller than I am. Probably stronger too.
We locked eyes.

“Stay the fuck away from my woman,” it said.