My girlfriend’s body wanders off at night. I’m not sure where it goes. But every night it leaves our bed to go…elsewhere.

My girlfriend’s head always stays behind, perched on the expensive pillow my girlfriend (formidable in her wholeness) demanded I purchase.

Lately I’ve grown jealous. My girlfriend’s body always comes home before morning, but it’s different. When it gets back in bed, I reach for it but it recoils. It smells like exciting places we’ve never been.

Over breakfast, my girlfriend’s head (her eyes, really) and I exchange knowing glances. We look at my girlfriend’s body, which seems all too aware of our judgmental gaze. It fidgets in its chair. It touches my hand and I reach for its pussy. My girlfriend’s body stands and leaves the room.

“Sorry,” my girlfriend’s head says sympathetically.

I grow restless at night, after my girlfriend’s body leaves again.

I stroke the hair on my girlfriend’s head. My girlfriend’s head knows I want to have sex. My girlfriend’s head hates giving blowjobs.

I grow frustrated. So I put my girlfriend’s head in a sack and tie it tightly.

My girlfriend’s body doesn’t come back. So now sex is completely out of the question.